the first snow

i had never been so tired in any life i had known. my feet were lifting and falling as if i were a stringed puppet. movement was hard like sand up to my knees, my eyes were heavy but i couldn't stop. the news had come somehow inside my head - something terrible and crushing had happened to colin but i couldn't find out what it was. he had screamed and then stopped and i had heard it but had not seen it. there was nothing in the paper, nothing on the internet, and every time i saw someone who might know something, they disappeared quickly before my feet could get me there. scalding lead in the bottom of my shoes and the more it cooled the more it hurt, iron shoes constricting in a sudden snow squeezing my feet short and small.

the restaurant looked like a perkins, with green flowerly wallpaper and faux country decor. cheap lacy curtains and factory made scarecrows sitting on shelves on the walls above the booths. it was crowded and bright and smelled like syrup and coffee and butter. the manager on duty was a very large black woman wrapped from head to toe in bright salmon scarves. she had a broad smile and scarred hands and was pleasant as she passed out menus and welcomed her guests.

another woman cut from the same cloth walked in, this one wrapped tightly in white, and the moment her presence came into this place was the same moment everything stopped. the room lost all energy and momentum. conversation stopped. not a breath in or out.

the woman in white shouted to all of us, "do not believe her, I am the priestess, not her!" i could feel the panic and wanted to help so i walked around the room and told everyone that there was just a slight misunderstanding, not to worry, but a surge lifted everyone up at once, straight to their feet and out the door.

i had made my way to the back room and waited for something, i don't know what. when i came back into the restaurant, it was bright bright white - white walls and tablecloths and ceilings and carpet. so clean and bright it scared me. there was no color or texture or smell or distance between one thing and another, and the people seated at the new tables had not come from anywhere. but there they were, faceless and ageless.

as names were called from the front of the room, voices answered sadly and steadily. each voice spoke two numbers. the first number was the age of the spirit they were carrying right now, and the second number was the age of death for that same spirit. the first voice said "9 and 14", meaning in life she was nine years old, and would die at 14. the second said "6 and 21" and the voices went on like this. all so young and none would live to be old.

the last voice said simply and sadly, "zero", and this was the spirit that would never be born and so

would never die.

where do munchkins come from?

the family reunion was not going well. everyone went off to different places and there were just two of us wondering what to do.

disneyworld! it's just up the street so off we went. we parked our car and purchased admittance, green oaktag tickets with strings which we attached to our shirt buttons.

the first exhibit was called "sketching" and it cost an additional 75 cents to get in, but you got a small carton of milk with that. i asked for skim. it was a magical display of creature drawings and models. holographs of tiny fairies flitted about and there was some jewelery - tiny gold electric guitars, funny bears and flowers.

a guide came over and told us "you must see the BEST room!" he took us to a window and the master craftsman was hard at work on the other side. the room was the size of a football field, part workshop, part art studio, and part prehistoric rainforest.

giant dinasours and furry four legged something or others were stalking each other and the artist was training them. they bucked and growled and fought with twisting necks and enormous toothy growls. "ok guys use your backing up skills and go for the neck this time!"

after a while we got tired and wanted to go home but we couldn't find our way out. it was worse than being drunk in a las vegas casino, there is never an easy way out. the "esmeralda's wedding" display seemed promising as there was a corner that said "information droid" so we thought we could get some help there. we made our way through the exhibit of leaping dolphins and hansome princes with black plastic hair singing their hearts out in time with the sprays of pastel fountains, esmeralda was dressed in red and gold and blue and this was her big day.

the droid told us that in order to get out we had to actually finish a tour of an exhibit and then we would find our way out.

back to the "sketching" room.

sure enough there was a stairway we hadn't seen. the stairs were pink with white piping and spiraled down. we took to stepping and down and suddenly were hiked up in the air like dad used to do when we were 3, and we landed softly on our butts and slid down down down and around around, bumpity bumpity bump!

at the bottom there was a pile of papers in the middle of a sunny room. there were palm trees adn lilacs and giant daisies and roses. a great big black bug - like a dragonfly in a plane from kittyhawk buzzed loud and flew in circles and told us "choose the right piece of paper and you will find your way".

which piece? there were thousands ! suddenly a large mouthed bass, golden with green freckles swam to me through a vent in the ceiling, he was swimming the air easy as water. he swam closer and closer to me, and gave me a great big smooch on my right cheek. as he backed away another bug jumped from his lips and gave a little bow. was it jiminy criket? no topcoat or cane but this he was green and sparkly and this had to be where the expression "cute as a bug" came from. he winked and jumped into the pile, landed on one white sheet and said"this is it"!

the paper was crisp linen with black letters that said: "an AFL-CIO approved van will pick you you up and take you to your car. turn around".

so we did and there it was! the van was small and crowded with green carpeted seats and the driver was a big fat guy with white hair and a white beard. turned out all of the other riders actually worked at the park, and they started chatting with us and telling us about their jobs.
the driver wanted to join in, so he turned his seat all the way towards us and laughed at their stories and i noticed the van was driving itself. doing a pretty good job, too. it even swerved to miss a teddybear wearing a cowboy hat that had fallen in the road.

the woman in tights the the magnificent eyeliner pointed at the big driver and said,

"well if you ever need a munchkin, he's your man. now THERE is a man who can father a munchkin!"

taking in strays

martha was never one to turn away strays. so when natalie the baby elephant showed up in her backyard, well of course she said "come on in!"

martha was my mother-in-law and god i miss her.

when we got to iron mountain, natalie was happy and lazy in front of the tv, so much so that it was hard to see the screen because her head was so big. but we adjusted, because she was so adorable. she had a fuzzy head but the fuzz felt more like bristles. it wasn't so comfortable to pet her but i did anyway, as i was lounging on the couch and she rolled her belly heavenward and wanted lots of pets. she was only a bit stinky but those huge grey eyes grabbed at my heart and pulled me back down to the couch and to "price is right",come on down. she smiled so big with her pink flappy lips when he said "come on down", imagine the giggle of a baby elephant!

time to go martha said, give nat a livasnap and a big salami and she'll be fine.

off we went in my best friend's miata which seats two but there were 8 of us and it was so much fun! everyone had their comfy spot, one on half-top of another, top down, stars brilliant.

when we got to the clam shack martha found a quiet area and ordered us all to march in place, march march march, which we did. then she hit the dirt on her back and led us through some senior calisthenics.

"arms out straight! now touch your chin touch your belly genuflect and now..elbows on your knees! do the bicycle!!!"

i mentioned to martha that this was not something i was dressed for and she said..."it's ok honey, just get through it. when we get home i am making hot toddies."

at home natalie was still lounging, and glen miller started to play and we all recovered from our sweat and we laughed so hard

and drank hot toddies.

i don't want to be here, but i can't leave

it was a reunion. my mom and dad and sister would be there, plus a huge assortment of people i didnt' know. family inviting family inviting family inviting high school friends...

i didn't want to go.

i did though, and there were tables and lawn chairs everywhere. the old folks were in the chairs or watching the news, the younger crowd was in the family room downstairs. i joined the latter and had fun entertaining them for a bit, as they toasted with shots and beers and tossed pistachios in the air. after a bit a self-proclaimed "class clown" took over my gig.

time for serving dinner - what a disaster, but i was the only one who noticed. cheeseburgers with gummy excuses for shredded cheddar, corn on the cob which should have been steamy cobs of golden sweet crunchy goodness...they were mushy and white. there was a huge salmon filet laid out on the big table and it was gorgeous! rosy and slightly charred...but when i cut into it to serve myself a piece it was tougher than a cheap steak.

as everyone was serving up, i noticed that the hostess was gazing out her front window. she said "you can see the heat coming in over the grasses. i have lived here all my life and i know what i see. it is going to be hot soon, and the bass in the river will run rich. big catch this year."

i helped with the clean-up and then HAD to get out of there. mom was mad, she thought i would stay overnight but i told her i needed to get home to bozwell -- it was midnight and he'd been alone since 9 am!

finally found my car in a sea SUV's and farm trucks and it was so confusing! i found it finally by pushing the "open trunk" button on my remote, and there she was -- three rows over.

when i got there i saw that i was parked in by a couple of semi tractors -- the part of the semi where they drive it from and sleep and so on...anyway i could not get out. someone moved one of them, but then i saw the second one was so wedged into my white taurus that there was no escaping.

nope, not going anywhere any time soon.

buyers market

what a steal!! 169,9 for all this house!

i stood in a central hall than connected staircases and big rooms and there i was spinning in my 169,9 score. a gorgeous home. archways so high above me that when i learned there was no central air, it did not bother me a bit. how could anyone ever be anything but comfortable in this space?
the ceilings were soft salmon, the trim a quite green, and this was all mine, my place to be.....

the doorbell rang and people started coming in, i didn't know some of them but they knew me, and they were so happy for me. the first 5 were nicely dressed men and they brought their cats.

more and more people came, people i knew and loved but i could not name them now... i felt a little intruded upon (was not wanting company) , till one of them explained "we were at another party and just wanted to stop by to wish you well - we won't stay long! we told our other hosts that we were going out for cheetos".

so the tour commenced and i showed them every lovely room. every lovely room was different from the one before and the master bath was something to remember in an especially kind of way.

a bubbley tub in that 2 person whirlpool, as if someone had just gotten out for the body shaped pool in the midst of the bubbles.

who was here?

oh well, here we are, and thanks for stopping by --- and please go now because it is time to put my feet up in the kitchen, snack on cheese and leftover roast turkey, and watch

the golden girls.

weekend project

it sounded like a great idea - a weekend class to create an art project. two rooms with nothing in them several floors up in an old apartment building, that was the studio. the floors still smelled like varnish and the light blue walls still were wafting their sherman williams scent underneath high ceilings. big windows, so breezy!

we were going to make paper lanterns, the round white kind. so first you had to draw a pattern. for best results, teacher said to sit inside a brown paper bag for 68 seconds before putting pencil to paper.

a few mintes later my pattern was cut out of a big piece of orange and pink cloth, sort of a navajo pattern. the next step was to make all the appropriate folds, which was tough to do as the material was so thick. i left the room to see what others were working on and when i came back one of my classmates had done all the folding for me. what a nice guy! in the other room a woman was stringing class balls together and somehow getting them to dangle in a very large very large glass bottle. she thought she would fill it with water, thus creating underwater wind chimes.

uh oh, time i returned the bike i had borrowed, so off i went, riding around on a blue bike with a tag on it that said "kathy's bike, please return to 405".

i sort of knew where to go, and ended up in a very strange brick building that should have been beautiful - lots of old brickand stained glass, but instead it was imposing and seemed dangerous. around a corner i found a tiny elevator door and wondered how the bike and i would fit in there, but when the door opened, it opened into a gigantic freight elevator. i bet you could move someone's whole apartment with one lift.

when we got to the fourth floor i stepped out into a new city. it was as if cities had floors, just like department stores, and this one was glorious! big white town houses with red trim and magnificent gardens, quiet streets and mature trees. i saw number 405 and peddled over there.

i didn't know kathy, but two of her friends were also at the door so i pretended we were all buds and kathy invited us in. dark wood, open floor plan, very lofty and very dark blue with crimson and beige accents - mission furniture, big art on the walls -- it was lovely.

soon kathy was bringing out plates of gigantic carrots as i helped one of her girlfriends alter her wedding dress, which was laid out on the dining room table. it looked way too big for her but maybe that is why we were sewing on it. layers and layers of rose colored effervesence with a black lace bodice, deep neckline and long, sheer sleeves.

back at class, it was time for me to do some cutting to create my lanterns, but much to my surprise, my lanterns turned into little girls' dresses! a white one and pink and black plaid one and a green one and a blue one - so pretty! they had tiny puffed sleeves, empire waists, and rows of flounces, so pretty! i hung them all up and they looked like a bouquet, i had two more to do, but suddenly i was totally bored.

i learned that there was a big stone balcony that no one used anymore, and the instructor said i could go out there. through the crusty french doors, it was cool almost cold. the old stones and arches and floor were smooth and chilly and it smelled a little dusty and rainsoaked. i felt like i was in a castle, so high up in the air, and below - oh down below!

a most gorgeous sandy beach - not white sand like in the carribean, but new england beach sand, just a tad on the rough side, good for your feet. the water was blue jean blue, calm and happy, itsy bitsy white caps flicking the shoreline.

"i don't want to finish my project" i said to teacher, "i want to go down there out there and just be there."

teacher said, "well then, go ahead! make THAT your weekend project! enjoy!!!!!"

totally worth the tuition.

slipped

all i wanted was some time alone. it was a big place and it should not have been too difficult to find a place to be alone for a few minutes. a large very large old building with grand staircases, walls that were chipped here and there, a basement that smelled musty, old, and a little bit wet and i loved the way it smelled. like grandpa's barn in epsom, new hampshire 40 years ago.

i believe that my colleagues were suspicious of my desire. i guess i was a dead giveaway wearing just a slip and my feet bare as i tried to take the staircase in a casual manner.

i thought i found a place, a closet or an apartment. i went in but donna lived there and she was sobbing. she found out she was radioactive and her family might be in danger, too. she was wearing headphones and packing a suitcase.

pretty soon i decided i could rent a room, which i did for a few dollars - just long enough to take a rest, maybe catch part of oprah. but dang it this room wasn't empty - there were a bunch of little groomsmen preparing for a wedding in there! they had on yellow satin vests, and top hats. one of them panicked because he could not find his bow tie

and i found it for him, it was under my pillo.

wash your hair

i was late, so LATE! i always mc'd these meetings but today i could NOT get in the shower - someone kept jumping in ahead of me. time was running out. finally i got in there and was soapy from head to toe when my mom yelled "we have to go NOW!". i didn't even rinse off, i just hopped out of the shower suds and all and tried to pull on clothes. tight scraping squeaky tugs on pants and shirts with my skin wet and the clothing dry. i told mom to go ahead with me and she said "ok".

suddenly i noticed how dirty my hair was but i couldn't do anything about it, so i sprayed it and sprayed it with half a can of bedhead and off i went. i was wearing the cutest pair of pastel striped flats.

at the meeting the speaker was telling us all to be careful. we were sitting in brown folding chairs in a hall somewhere and the meeting was not too well attended. he passed around a box of small stuffed brown dogs, they looked homemade. we thought they were basset hounds from their noses, but their legs were all different lengths. then the speaker passed our rubber chocolate candy and we were to feed him and all would be well.

later on i finally got my shower, but only after noticing my makeup was absolutely perfect and what a shame - i wondered how i could keep my face dry -- turn away from the showerhead? but uh oh, without getting my face wet, it would make it really hard to

wash my hair.

planting wishes

i planted a wish today. actually, it was a small strip of something pink and compostable that was magically filled with tiny wild flower seeds and on it, it said "wish". it was attached to a birthday card i received on my 50th from some ones dear to me. i soaked it in a clean red clay dish of water and then dug a tiny tiny trough, soaked it some more and then covered it with an inch of potting mix, then gently swept the cedar chips back in place.

i don't know what kinds of flowers they are, or if they will come up, or if, when they do they will have the proper amount of sun, or if they will be too tall for the front part of the garden. i don't know anything about them except they told me to wish and that is what i am doing.

what am i wishing? i am not sure but whatever my wish is, what a perfect idea to tuck it into something cool and warm and safe, and let it reach it's tiny roots down as it pokes it's tiny head up and then we shall see what we shall see.

so my wish is snuggled in and i believe in it, even though i am not exactly sure what i am wishing for.

when it comes up, and when i see it,

then i will know.